Peer Comments 1, Week 2

Thomas, “Week 1, Image Junkyard 1”

Blood struggles to flow through my legs as I sit in the window sill of our apartment admiring the street below. The smoke from the end of my cigarette swirls into the air like a strand of Cortney's hair, fading into the sky never to be seen again. Pigeons peck at the foliage sprouting from the rooftops, their cooing as understandable as the Italian conversations below. Cars and scooters speed past walls and doors older than my home country. The hum of the engines below occasionally drown out the chirping of birds flying high above. The green of the surrounding hills peeks between the buildings at the end of the street and on the opposite end grey clouds loom over the rooftops threatening an evening rain. A child and his mother hug the walls below to avoid traffic. The woman strolls along ahead of her son happily talking to her phone while the young boy dances to Gangnam Style, a dance that I cannot seem to escape. The mother, having finished her conversation, calls to her son to catch up to her and he dashes past her to chase the pigeons picking at crumbs on the street out of my sight.

Thomas, your first image junkyard shows many signs of training, a feat for someone who is still awaiting his first workshop. I love your line likening cigarette smoke to a strand of your fiancée’s hair; it’s imagistic and strong, and it also carries weight. It shows the reader where your mind is, with a loved one at home, without telling them directly. This simple didacticism of “show, not tell” is a good mantra to repeat to yourself as you write. Some of your more telling lines are “admiring the street below,” “a dance I cannot seem to escape,” “walls and doors older than my home country.” Consider ways you might show these things rather than telling your reader. For example, how do you know the walls and doors are so old? Are they heavy, stained, scratched? What in particular about the street below you do you admire so much? What do you consider so beautiful, the terra cotta slats of the roofs filled with weeds? You might also consider strengthening your verbs. Verbs like “peck” combined with pigeons are overdone, everyone knows that pigeons peck, could you think of a stranger verb, something that usually wouldn’t be associated with birds? Likewise with “dances.” Overall, this is very impressive for someone just entering creative writing.