Peer Comments 1, Week 3

“Most people are excited when they lose their first tooth. I was one of the few who wasn't in fact, I was incredibly unhappy with it. Why? Well, because I can't think of anyone who enjoys falling from a tree head first.

I've always been a climber. I climbed up beds, chairs, tables, and when I was old enough, trees. My parents tried to get me into gymnastics but I preferred climbing what I wanted, when I wanted. I never did like being told what I could and could not do. I never liked being told what to do, period.

So, even though my parents told me not to climb too high and come down slowly, I deliberately pushed myself and climbed up to a branch about six feet up. Much higher than I'd ever gone before. When Mom called me in for dinner, I had trouble climbing down.  But being the proud, stubborn girl I am, I refused to call for help. I would get down under my own power, goshdarnit.

Unfortunately, I miscalculated and my foot slipped sending my headfirst into the ground. I ended up landing mouth first on a stump and knocking my first baby tooth out, even though it wasn't lose or ready to come out.  It hurt like hell, and my Mom and friends had to dig for the tooth.

But I got a Sacajawea gold dollar for my trouble though. So, yeah, it was totally worth it.”

from Emily’s “Week 2: Memory 1: First Tooth”

Emily, I can see your opening strategy, and I think it’s great that you’re playing with those kinds of devices, specifically a reversal of expectation. In a second draft, you might play with a longer introduction with more subtlety. I admire your effort here. One of most important things to keep in mind as a creative writer is “show, don’t tell.” Ask yourself constantly as you write, “How can I make this more sensory? How can I show the reader what it was like to be here and feel these things?” For this draft in particular, you might consider describing in more detail the tree, the view from the top, hearing your mother’s call, and the sensory experience of falling. The specificity of the coin is a good sign of training, and I would love to see you describe that coin in more detail. What was it like to see it glint as you removed your pillow? I’d also love to see you show the reader how you are stubborn, instead of just saying, “being the proud, stubborn girl I am, I refused to call for help.” I really enjoyed reading this memory, because it was very specific and an unexpected choice. I can see parallels to your experience here in Italy through all of the climbing we have been doing. How might you relate a young love of climbing to climbing here, and much more interestingly, how might you juxtapose the reluctant and accidental loss of your first tooth with a specific “loss” through your Italian experience? Has your sense of identity, independence, nationality altered? You could potentially stage this as a “loss” and a Sacajawea gold dollar “gain.” One of my favorite quotes used in Davidson and Fraser’s Writing Poetry is from Emily Dickinson, who said, “Tell all the truth, but tell it slant.” I imagine you can’t remember every factual detail from this early experience, but part of creative writing it this idea of slanted truth. Don’t be afraid to re-imagine. Maybe you don’t remember all the details, but when you add some creativity to a factual account, you can sometimes more truthfully present that moment than you could with simple fact. Good work!